Impact of Accepting One's Identity
SueZie, 51, and Cheryl, 55, Valrico, FL, 2015
SueZie: I never thought transition would be a reality in my lifetime. After struggling for years, I finally asked Cheryl, “What about surgery?” And she looked at me and said, “Go for it.” Finally she had realized how serious I was. Every night I used to sit in the lanai smoking away, and just thinking, “Can I do it? Can I not? Can I do it? Can I not?” Every night. For years. I also had bad asthma, COPD, sleep apnea, acid reflux, migraines, you name it. But when I started going through the motions everything pretty much vanished overnight. All those illnesses, all those stresses, gone. I said to Cheryl that I felt so good I could probably give up smoking and I wouldn’t even notice. Didn't have another one.
Years of self-administering hormones caused a complication that threatened my chances for surgery. I said to Cheryl, “I’ll die as female. Nothing is stopping that surgery.” If there was a 95% chance of failure, of dying on the operating table, that was a risk I was willing to take. I could not go on how I was. My greatest challenge, it came from within. It was having the confidence to face the world out there. The perception that everyone isn’t going to accept you, it’s a little unfounded. When you first come out, you’re pretty rough. You get a few people to support you. Plenty that don’t. As you start looking better, people start changing their opinions, they swap sides. They join the winning side. And you start getting more supporters.
I don’t care what other people think. “Peripheral blurring,” that’s what I call it. I am aware but don’t pay attention to those negatives to my left and right; I only focus on the positive reactions ahead and in front. So now I go out, bold. I’m in the real high heels, and I have the striking hair. How I see it is, if you’re bold, it’s very positive. It’s not wishy-washy. When you’re positive, it builds your confidence, and of course confidence is attractive, and with attraction comes acceptance. That’s my theory on the whole thing. Bold first, stand out.
Cheryl: When we got married, I never imagined that someday my husband would become my wife. Right from the start, SueZie confided that she identified as female on the inside, but transition never appeared to be an option. But, I never had a problem with her wearing lingerie. You know, it’s just clothes. I fell in love with the person inside, and what’s on the outside is more about what they feel comfortable with. In 2009, when she said she wanted to transition, I admit I wasn’t very accepting. It was more like “What’s going to happen to the kids and what are people going to think?” At that time we weren’t strong enough to risk losing everything, including each other.
I asked her when our son Jaison was born, “Are you even happy?” Because there was no emotion. After transition, it was a total 180. Her disposition improved and our life around here got better. I saw the difference in her and how much it really affected her. I had never seen happiness come out of her eyes before. It was truly amazing. It was difficult and a learning process, because, for instance, I was always heterosexual, never a lesbian. We say I became a lesbian by attrition.
But everything was for the better and it’s working out okay. Even our intimacy has elevated. As I tell people, “I fell in love with the person, not the appendages.” I’ll always love her and we are always there for each other, deeply connected. Jaison has always known that she wears “girlie clothes,” as he calls them, so he’s good with it, too. We’re doing well. The smiles. Never had smiles before. If you’ve seen the pictures of before, you could see the sadness, there was no light in the eyes, there was no smile on the face. Now you can’t stop it.
What am I looking forward to in the future? Maybe she’ll get a little quicker on her makeup in the morning! Gosh. The future. It’s a whole new way of life. We’ve had fourteen years now, and I hope we’ve got another fourteen years ahead of us. I’m excited to see what the future’s going to hold, but also a little nervous. The unknown can be daunting, but we will face it together. I’m really looking forward to it.
SueZie’s story reflects the impact of accepting one’s own identity and receiving acceptance from others on maintaining the physical and mental health aspects of well-being. In a society where being stressed is often conflated with being hardworking, it can often be difficult for us to recognize the impact that chronic stress can have on our health. Many of the issues SueZie was dealing with before accepting herself as a trans woman were common problems associated with the long-term activation of the stress response, including sleep problems, digestive problems, and headaches. Constant worrying about how she would go about transitioning and if people would accept her afterwards led to continual activation of her sympathetic nervous system, initiating a fight or flight response. This pathway, through hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, prepares the body to respond to the threat that it believes is present, even when the stressor is not actually life-threatening (Mayo Clinic). Adrenaline increases your heart rate, breathing rate and blood pressure, readying your body for action. Stress, when it leads to shortness of breath and rapid breathing due to increased adrenaline release, can worsen respiratory diseases like asthma and COPD. Cortisol inhibits the functions of systems non-essential to the fight or flight response, such as the immune, digestive, and reproductive systems, possibly leading to digestive issues and increased risk of infection over time (American Psychological Association). In these ways, SueZie’s worries about being accepted as her true self impacted her both physically and psychologically. In seeking self-actualization through transition, SueZie was able to let go of those worries, allowing her body to turn off its fight or flight response and resume normal functioning once cortisol and adrenaline production decreased to regular levels. By effecting both her physical and mental health, stress, and the self-acceptance that relieved it, played a major role in determining her well-being.
“Chronic Stress Puts Your Health at Risk.” Mayo Clinic, Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, 19 Mar. 2019, https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress/art-20046037.
“Stress Effects on the Body.” American Psychological Association, American Psychological Association, 2019, https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/stress-body.